How to Have One Big Happy Family

My in laws have taught me the special recipe.

Harmony S


Photo by Patricia Prudente on Unsplash. Not us but totally could be if you added a couple bodies.

So, I still haven’t told my own mother that I got married.

Nor have I told my father. In fact, we haven’t spoken since 2019, and he refuses to return my emails, so there’s probably no chance ever of him learning about anything happening to me. Oh well. I tried. At least we got along super well during my teenage years when mommy wasn’t there.

However, at least mommy and I still talk. Yesterday it was her birthday. I bought her a gift card to Amazon and we talked on the phone. She hasn’t seen me in five years, now. Why has it been so long? Well it all started with her losing her shit at not being able to start the lawn mower and then deciding to take it out on me by calling me all names in the book (which happened almost everyday). I was up to my wit’s end, left, and didn’t look back.

We started talking again around 2020. I called her at random cos I saw there were a bunch of fires in her area so I was nice enough to check up on her and make sure she was still safe.

Oh, and I did the same for my daddy too, but my evil stepmother answered the phone and told me to fuck right off and that my dad wanted nothing to do with me. So there’s that.

Have things always been so fraught between us all?

To a certain extent, yes and no. I can really maintain a good relation with my mom for as long as there’s an ocean between us. As for my dad, before my stepmother joined the picture, he and I were super close. I trusted him, and he was super chill when I was a teenager. In fact he was always really chill.

In hindsight I’m pretty sure he was stoned all the time. I found a bunch of gross little crystal rocks in his drawer during the divorce period when I was 12. But whatever. Maybe it was a gift from one of his loser musician friends who never got their shit together. No offense to musicians.

I remember how dark I felt Christmas Eve, 2005. I was 13. I got a guitar that year, which was what I always wanted. I loved it, too. I remember my mom giving it to me early and the feeling of excitement upon opening up the gift. She had me open it without my dad present, though. Just to drive in the disconnection needle…



Harmony S

H A P P Y and you should be TOO!!! LIFE IS AMAZING 👏🦝🦄🌺🍭I write for ILLUMINATION, The Memoirist, Fuck Niches, and The Orange Journal.