Letting Your Past Define You
On any given day, perhaps twenty percent of my thought processes used to constitute of flashbacks. Only recently did I realize these were flashbacks of memories that have traumatized me. Awkward, less-than-graceful moments have impacted the way in which I see myself and construct my identity. The narrative I’ve built up around my decisions were also further ways to push myself back down.
I’ve had fallouts with friends. I’ve shown my worst most toxic side. I’ve had mental and emotional breakdowns in embarrassing locations. I’ve overshared intimate details that no one in their right mind would dare to share. I’ve treated people like shit in order to conceal an insecurity or feed into my fear of emotional intimacy. I’ve approached the world with a chip on my shoulder, angry (and perhaps rightfully so) over the many trials I’ve had to endure, occasionally with no one by my side.
I find that I had let my woes get to me to the point in which I’d deliberately act in a way to get a negative reaction out of others since I deep down didn’t feel I was deserving of any good in my life.
To be honest, I occasionally get caught trapped in spells of anger. These spells of anger scare me. Sometimes, I understand why people hurt themselves…
