Letting Your Past Define You
On any given day, perhaps twenty percent of my thought processes used to constitute of flashbacks. Only recently did I realize these were flashbacks of memories that have traumatized me. Awkward, less-than-graceful moments have impacted the way in which I see myself and construct my identity. The narrative I’ve built up around my decisions were also further ways to push myself back down.
I’ve had fallouts with friends. I’ve shown my worst most toxic side. I’ve had mental and emotional breakdowns in embarrassing locations. I’ve overshared intimate details that no one in their right mind would dare to share. I’ve treated people like shit in order to conceal an insecurity or feed into my fear of emotional intimacy. I’ve approached the world with a chip on my shoulder, angry (and perhaps rightfully so) over the many trials I’ve had to endure, occasionally with no one by my side.
I find that I had let my woes get to me to the point in which I’d deliberately act in a way to get a negative reaction out of others since I deep down didn’t feel I was deserving of any good in my life.
To be honest, I occasionally get caught trapped in spells of anger. These spells of anger scare me. Sometimes, I understand why people hurt themselves through addictions. The adrenaline has made me see red lines, and if tipped the right way, I’d make life a heck of a lot worse for myself.
In order to curb my anger, there is one skill I’ve had to really learn: forgiveness. While forgiveness is an oft-repeated term, almost so much so that it has become a platitude by now, knowing the true meaning of this word may completely change your view of life.
Forgiveness and practicing stoicism really go hand in hand. In more colloquial terms, the art of not giving a fuck has enabled me to approach each new situation and person with a clean slate and not carry over the urge to self-sabotage any good opportunity that comes my way.
Perhaps forgiveness of self and those around you may even save your life.
I dislike ranting about the relation I’ve had with my parents, but for the sake of context, I have no current relation with my father, and the…