Pierre, my husband and I watched an episode from The Sopranos last night, and this scene about Tony's mother really glued my eyes to the screen. It's how I imagine I'll be feeling once a particular parent in my life passes away. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omK7s8qM5cY
I find the emotional dissonance so disturbing when it comes to handling less than optimal familial relations. I am someone who values family very deeply, and I've been lucky enough to have married into a great one, but picking up the pieces after trauma is going to be a long long road to recovery. I wish the best for you! It's hard..the journey never ends.