When My Fascination With Cults Got a Little Too Intense

Uncovering hidden trauma accidentally is never a nice feeling

Photo by Edwin Andrade on Unsplash

Earlier this year, I faced unemployment and therefore boredom. I had left my online job in order to heal from some trauma, enjoy married life and ultimately take some time to learn about what I really want out of life professionally. My wonderful angel husband sat me down and we had a long talk about my interests, my anxieties, and what he felt I thrived at.

He told me he believes I thrive most under independent working circumstances. He knows I hate answering to anyone’s authority, (this occasionally includes his). He discouraged me from seeking a regular job, unless I really felt the tug to do something. But basically I must consider finding my own way, leveraging my entrepreneurial spirit, and coming up with my own project (and sticking to it).

I thought long and hard. Fortunately I’m not scant on hobbies. The only issue was coming up with something I could make reasonable profit from.

For as long as I could remember I’ve been fascinated by religion and cults. I never understood how people can so readily see the world in black and white without a clear answer as to why so many countless alternative worldviews exist. Moreover, most religions are completely bereft of even basic answers to life’s biggest questions. Yet people so readily cling to them. I’ve always wanted to step inside someone else’s mind to understand.

Fortunately, I am (I think) a pretty empathetic person. I can sit and listen to someone narrate about themselves without feeling the need to interrupt or correct them.

Additionally, I never really caught the wave of feeling the need for attention. However, that’s only because I’ve been far too shy throughout my life to put myself out there to accept scrutiny. I decided that ought to change. I’ve had countless friends who have all tried to gain internet fame and failed. I’ve seen firsthand how this can impact mental health and wanted nothing to do with that. However, as I’ve gotten older I’ve gotten a lot more don’t give a fuck about everything.

Hmm I said to my husband. I could try to write books, I said.